For this city girl, the joy of living on a property with an acre and a half, woods at the back, has been a thrill (see previous post for the story of how I got here). I'd been told there were all sorts of wildlife strolling through the yard, and I have enjoyed watching. This past month
I have seen four deer, usually together - Dad, Mom and the twins. At first the twins still retained some spots but now they're gone, and I see an increased independence in them, willing to stray further from Mom as they all enjoy the fruits (quite literally) of the crab apple trees. I have not yet earned their complete trust, so although I can watch from a distance, my attempts to get closer drove them back into the woods.
Yesterday I was on the rider mower in the evening and glanced toward the back of the yard - there were Mom and the kids, snacking on apples, perhaps 100 yards away - the closest I'd been. I was amazed they were not afraid of the mower, watching my movement but at ease. I found myself deep in thought, wondering how many generations had been feeding from the same trees, accustomed to the previous residents of the house. Was the familiarity with the property and people carried from one generation of deer to the next?
How applicable to our own lives. How many of our fears are generational, sort of spiritual DNA? In my family, I know that money and reputation/fame/visibility were big issues for my parents and grandparents - did some of their fear come down to me? Undoubtedly, but I have chosen to release those. The flip side is how many and what kinds of talents and joys are carried down? Again in my family, music and the arts. Did the simple joy of abundant crab apples bring this new generation of deer into the yard for me to appreciate? If so, I'm very grateful. I have found so much to be grateful for here, in nature, with the "deer ones."
I have just been given a new home. I say “given” because I did little to obtain it. And because of that I felt it important to share the story, so that you can understand the power of creation, manifestation, gratitude. I’ve lived in a pleasant area of Lake County, Ohio for about eleven years, but with an expansion of my business felt the pull to move further south into Summit County. My goal for the last year or so has been to seek out the perfect home for me and my cats. I wanted quiet, privacy, a place to sooth the spirit. I wanted room to have events and healing work and space for friends. I wanted more than anything to be enfolded in nature with room for gardening. With a goal in mind, I offered up the prayer I learned from my friend John Davis, John of Peniel. “Thank you God for the perfect home that I am receiving – amen!” I believed it was there and coming to me. “Thank you” is gratitude. “The perfect home” is the goal, the intent. “I am receiving” is the acceptance, manifestation, creation part. “Amen” means so be it, it is done. I believed that I needed to be diligent in the search and pay attention to signs. That I needed to pursue it with all my intention.
Last summer I busily searched in areas I thought would suit, looking at tiny little houses, condos, garden apartments. Nothing felt right and nothing was affordable. I became disappointed and frustrated but re-energized the intention to have my perfect home. I typed up a “wish list” of my ideal life. “I am living in the home of my dreams, in nature, manageable with lots of green and garden space. With plenty of crash space and parking for friends and room for furbabies.” I no longer felt the need to pursue the dream but knew it was out there in the universal energy.
In the last couple of months, I’d added to my vision a home of light, where rainbows sparkle in the windows from my prisms. A home of trees and green with my bird feeders, to include a heated birdbath and visits from wildlife. I saw a bookcase at a friend’s home and said, “Ooh, I want one of those one day.” I said, “I want a new bed, classy and sexy.” Window shopping at an antique store, I said, “I love those little secretary desks – look at the gorgeous oak!” I said, “I want a new entertainment center and nice electronics to go with it” to replace my old outdated pieces.
One day a new friend contacted me to say she was feeling that I was just the person to help her. She was moving to New England to be with an ailing mother, and needed someone to take care of her house since she wasn’t sure she was ready to sell and let go of it entirely. As she was living in her mother’s home, she had no room to move her things and was eager to have a trustworthy caretaker so she could leave them. We emailed back and forth and seeming roadblocks kept popping up. But she continued to feel guided that I was the person to live in her home, and since I had nothing to lose and was ever aware that Spirit can drop gifts on you, I went to see the home.
The house is in Summit County. It is in the middle of more than an acre of land surrounded by trees. It is full of light from on all sides. It has 3 bedrooms and several side rooms that could be used by guests. It has a parking lot out front. It attracts deer, bats, foxes, birds. Getting the idea? Within the home are an oak secretary desk, a bookcase like my friend’s, a lovely entertainment unit with great electronics. A beautiful queen brass bed. Enough room to fit four of my current apartment in. The capper? There’s a heated birdbath in the basement that was never set up! Got it now? THE HOME OF MY DREAMS! Actually no, I take that back – I could not have dreamed the perfection of this home for me
I did not “work” to create this home. I did not “try” or “hope” or stress. I did not run around hunting and stressing over it. It was brought TO me, because I asked and believed. And that is why this story – to help you understand how perfect our creations are when we ask, believe and let go. May you be as blessed in your creations as I am!
I consciously feel gratitude every day - when I wake, eat, notice nature outside my door, play with my cats, talk with friends, receive something I requested, receive a gift. I feel gratitude at the rate with which my business is growing and that I can help support the "light pillars" who in turn support so many others. I received a wonderful gift the other day from one of my dearest friends, who in a conversation expressed his great gratitude for my friendship and my service to him as assistant and business partner. I was so moved by that sentiment and felt the need to really look at why I was so touched. I realize that although my awareness of his gratitude is implicit and ever present, and that my gratitude for so much in MY life is implicit, the expression of that gratitude is important as well. I didn't realize until those feelings were expressed to me how very much I wanted to hear them! Whether you feel thankful for things in your life, or relationships, or circumstances, remember to verbally express your gratitude. Although the feeling creates its own energy and fills your life with things to be grateful for, the words carry great power for healing and growth. And so I publicly say a special THANK YOU to John, MaryAnn, and Laura, and to so many other people in my life. Namast
Signs Along the Path - a Guide to An Inspired Life, by John Davis and Holly Matson I've been musing on what having a book out means to me. It's a role I had never expected! First is the "birth" aspect I've heard about so often - the fact that something I labored so hard on and spent so much time on is now a hold-it-in-your-hands product. But also the concept that something I had a hand in is now a resource to help people. Now THAT is powerful!
I am amazed and delighted that my 20 or so years of spiritual exploration and discovery have brought me to the teachers I have encountered along the way. I am blessed that Spirit worked with me to release the blocks I had and to help me to the joys I have. I've met wonderful Lightworkers in the process, and the "social circles" I am now active in are loving, like- and light-minded people. One of the brightest lights is John Davis, the author of the essays in our book and one of my dearest friends.
I think of those "Signs" along MY path and where they have led me. And now some of the things I've learned are illuminated by this book for others to follow as they choose. What light can you leave for others to follow?
Okay, before anybody has a fit about that title, let me explain. In response to my friend John Davis's (www.johnofpeniel.com) recent blog in which he quoted his fiancee's line that "God is hot water", I posted a comment that God is dirt. After a very long, LONG Ohio winter, it's finally spring, with the sprouting plants, the greening of the trees, and that lovely loamy earth smell. I anticipate getting my hands in the dirt again, to plant, to weed, to rest. I find my greatest quiet time in the earth - literally. I bemoan having a tiny garden, as I have nothing much to dig in! But I know God is there. He speaks to me there, and in all the smells and tiny green things I have absolute proof of that. I am so grateful for all the season changes, as I know God is in all of it, but OH the joy of being able to touch the earth.
For many years I lived in a concrete box of an apartment, with no outside space at all. I felt imprisoned, stifled, cut off from my creativity. When I moved into a more rural environment and once again had garden space, I felt so much more free. I understand more of who my pagan friends call Gaia, because now I feel that living force again, and I know the joy of finding God in the dirt!
I came home from a day spent in deep spiritual thought and discussion. Got my clothes changed and makeup off and went to sit and decompress for a while. One of my three cats, my beloved neurotic fearful Quinnie was on the bed grinning at me (you with animals know what that means), and I sat for a moment beside her, stroked her forehead which makes her purr, and told her how very much I love her and how glad I am she's one of my furbabies. I know full well she can't completely understand in her cat-spirit how much I love her, because she's only a cat and she doesn't vibrate or communicate on the same level.
So, is that what it's like for God? S/he sits with us stroking our foreheads, knowing all the while how "merely human", neurotic and fearful we are, loving us anyway. Loving us in a depth and expanse that we can never fully comprehend, because we're only human and we don't vibrate or communicate on the same level.
Sit with that and contemplate a while, and get a glimpse of the power of love.
I was born perfect and whole and knowing Who I Am. Then I learned separation. Then I learned Who I Am Not. Then I was told that Who I Am is wrong. "You're doing it wrong. Who you think you are is wrong. I know who you are. I know who you should be. I know you better than you know yourself." So I went along with it, not knowing any different. Each new person that came along told me something different, so I went along with it. I believed that Who I Am was whatever I was being told at the moment. So each new Who I Am shakeup meant resignation, grief, fear, regret, shame. And that became Who I Am.
Then I begin to hear Spirit, and hear them telling me that all those things are NOT Who I Am. And so that new shakeup triggers resignation, grief, fear, regret, shame. The sudden pulling-out of the rug. The shakeup feels like it always has. The showing to me of glimpses of WHO I AM shakes me to the very core, even through the fear. The mirroring of WHO I AM by new others in my life who I admire, love and respect also shakes me. Because who I see in that mirror reminds me of the original Who I Am that I came in with. Reminds me that I've lived a false life. Reminds me of my compliance, of everything I lost, and oh the grief. And then I feel shame at the compliance. Even now, sometimes when I have heard "there is another way" I still hear "you are wrong."
And even through the grief and shame I see glimmers, flashing glimpses of the real true original Who I Am. The whole, perfect, loved and loving ME. That there was NEVER ANYTHING WRONG WITH ME. NEVER. And I am beginning to see the joy of Guidance and Trust and Love. I am learning that the layers put upon me were not mine. That my wounds are healing rapidly, that there is NO SHAME in the process. I am learning to feel trust in ME again, and in Spirit again. And I will trust Guidance that when My Love is present, he will help me overcome the last of the damage done, in unconditional love and acceptance of me AS I AM. As WHO I AM. And that is good, not fearful. Because I am learning that I am BELOVED. I am learning that I am SO worthy of love and respect. I am SO worthy of having, and of giving. And that what I have to give the world is worthy of acceptance by those who will benefit, especially WHO I AM.
After the shattering from the earthquake, then is revealed the hidden treasure.
Time to 'fess up - I don't always practice what I preach. **gasp** I have always strongly resented people telling me who I should be, what I should believe, what I should do. "Should" is a nasty swear word that means that whatever you are, believe or do is WRONG. I believe in everyone having their own journey and their own beliefs, and their God given right to those, and I would never presume to judge the rightness or wrongness of their life. What I find myself overcoming now is a tendency to hear words of discomfort, pain, struggle, hurt, anger, fear, and a desire to immediately redirect the person, teach them there are other ways. So, I'm learning to not respond to the words I hear, and to allow the person to feel what they feel. I prefer to shine my own light, and if someone ASKS me for feedback then I'm happy to say how I overcame my own discomfort, pain, struggle, etc etc. When I see people in what I perceive as states of extreme not-in-the-light, I need to remember that they have a right to that state unless they ask for a hand up. That's not to say, however, that I don't offer coins to a beggar, or help someone up when they fall! I'm not heartless, and in fact this redirection of my judgement is because I've tended to offer too much heart and not too little, getting myself into a state of discomfort, pain, (yeah, you know the litany).
Also in the process I've noticed a bit of internal resentment I need to work on, when en-light-ened friends who I trust imply that I'm not "doing it right" because I'm in my own journey. I think that resentment is self-created, because no "not right" words have been spoken and the implication is my own perception. When a Lightworker has very strong beliefs based on their connection to God, they can sometimes be so eager for others to join them in their light-place that they can forget that we all may not want to, may not choose to walk that particular path. Hey, I may enjoy the view over here better! Doesn't mean that I don't want to end up on that same mountaintop, but I'm gonna choose my own way there.
So, that's my task for the next couple of weeks - work out why I feel self-created resentment, and choose to feel joy for my OWN journey instead. Find yours!
I've been reading more of my favorite teacher Abraham, about allowing versus making. If all I could ever want is already out there in the ethers just waiting for my call, then I need to call! But more than that, I need to pave the road. I have a picture in mind of a jungle expedition - there is a caravan of goodies waiting to take off and be delivered to me, and I need to clear the path for them through the tangle of brush. Clearing the road is not work, it's the "action" of relaxing and allowing. I watch as more and more of the path opens up, simply by my intent and desire. The minute I decide to speed it up and interfere, the overgrowth takes over like in the movies. When I relax again and say "yes, thank you, I can feel my abundance coming, I can hear the footsteps and the jingle of the horses' harness and I accept it", THEN the overgrowth magically disappears! Way to create, Matson!
What is darkness? Is it an actual thing? No, it's the absence of a thing, of light. One of my favorite metaphysical teachers Abraham talks of "the dark switch." When you walk into a bright room do you look for the dark switch? Of course not, you turn off the light! But why then do some people carry around a dark switch with them?
Recently a friend invited me along on for her weekend birthday celebration in New Orleans. After a fun weekend we got to the airport to come home, and as we went to our gate we saw a beignette stand and realized that the entire weekend we never had tasted this famous New Orleans treat! We had time so we got coffee and made-for-us beignettes and sat down. The cashier left the stand for about a minute, and in that minute a man walked up, saw nobody behind the counter, turned to my friend and me and said "This is what's wrong with New Orleans!" We thought he was joking about the sugary fatty treats, but no, instead he was flipping on a dark switch. He went on to rant, absolutely rant, that the counter was unattended. Of course during the time he wasted ranting the cashier had returned so he ranted at her. "I don't have time to wait for you to do your job" blah blah. The poor girl was trying to serve him but he wouldn't stop ranting, even as he ranted about not having time to wait for her! He finally simmered down enough to get his food, went and sat down. My friend and I were so upset but concerned about feeling better. We joked with the cashier, "Gosh isn't it a shame some people choose to start their days yelling and screaming? I prefer laughter myself!" The mood started to lift and I felt better, we all did. I hadn't seen that the ranter had sat near enough to us to probably overhear, and as he left, he stopped at our table to say that he had apologized to the cashier. "I love New Orleans, I really do, but this is awful and that is awful and this, well, that's just plain wrong. . . " blah blah. Rant Rant. Dang it, he flipped the dark switch again!
The difference for me from my past reactions to dark-switchers is that in the past I would have been upset all day, carried HIS anger all day. Instead I decided to flip the LIGHT switch on and enjoy my day. So I did!